Just this afternoon, I had a chat with my English102 teacher. She was interviewing Yua and me about Blogging. Whats the use of blogging and/or for what reasons do we blog? Back then, I didn't know how to answer properly. But after I arrived home, I finally found it.
I blog to release my emotions.
Yes, I know thats very common, or rather, its already a given. But for a person like me, expressing my true feeling is just so hard to do. I'm not gifted in anything other than laughing and losing control over my laugh but I'm proud to say that I am very, very emotional (Note: I'm no EMO-freak; just emotional). Emotional to the point that I would cry because of too much happiness, appreciation, and even anger. Usually its because of anger, like what happened to me when I arrived home today.
Tired from an hour of travel, add the stress I got from playing Futsal in the morning, and the rain was pouring. I have been waiting patiently outside our locked main door for about 2 mins. Still nobody heard my knocks. I went to the garage where the laundry lady was busy with her work. I asked if the creatures who live in our house went out. She answered and I found out that my dad and two cousins are all home. If they are then why is it that not even a single soul from the inside could hear me? So I made very loud noises by smacking the metal gate near our kitchen with its handle (the gate wasn't locked but the screen is so I still cant enter the house). 5 mins passed and I was already shouting names and cursing aloud. I didn't care anymore if I disturb my neighbors. I'm getting angry now. I opened a screen on our dining room and called, actually, shouted my cousins' names again and again until JV came up and unlocked the door. Finally!
I opened the huge door aggressively, threw my wet umbrella on the floor, took off my dirty rubber shoes and went straight down to the kids' room. I saw them on the bed, probably sleeping before I woke them up with my noise barrage. Why did they make me wait that long before opening the door? I shouted at them with the thought that they were just too lazy to stand up, climb five steps and unlock the door. With the looks on their face, they were guilty of my accuse. They didn't even deny it. After releasing some tensions on them, I went to my room to get changed then the phone ran, it was my mom who called out of concern because I texted her that I couldn't get in. But I strongly regret what I did. I shouted at her saying "andito na ako sa luob!!" then she hanged up. I am at fault and I know that more than anyone. But there's nothing I could do cause she's not home yet. Mom, from the bottom of my heart, I'm really sorry. If only you know that I love you the most.. Sorry.
I went back to my room and saw my dirty clothes still in there so I had to bring it to laundry lady. I remembered that she said my dad was at home and is at the back of our house so I passed by there before returning to my room only to find him tending to his pet birds. The first thought that entered my mind was that, 'are these pets more important than you're own daughter?'. I told him not to talk to me! Grrhh! I'm so angry already. I went back to my room only to find that the portable DVD player wasn't there. So I went down again but failed to find it. As I was about to enter my room, daddy came around and asked me why I'm acting that way. Emotions overflowed. I answered him in an angry and disrespectful manner. Stating my stand and accusing him of not caring at all (I'm so stupid for having thought that), I couldn't stop my tears from flowing down my cheeks. My dad is the kind of guy who gets mad easily and I at that moment was already exploding from anger. I told him that I waited, for how many minutes I don't know, for someone, anyone to open the door. I even made the loudest noise possible and shouted at the top of my lungs, then he would say that he didn't hear a single sound. For ***'s freaking sake! How could he be so deaf??
Due to my uncontrolled anger, I went berserk and told him "Bingi!". He went up the stairs, to my location and scolded me. He told me that if he had heard my plea, he would have definitely dashed his way to the door and welcome me with a warm smile (I'm crying as I typed that line). I realized it just at that moment but I couldn't go back with my word so I continued arguing with him to the point that he so wants to slap me in the face but rather his hand only got my chin. Then punched my bedroom door and told me to get inside. I did and as he left me alone, still crying, I wanted to take back all the words that I have said cause its all wrong. I know that my dad loves me the most among his three children and being his favorite, my words have hurt him so much. I cried more and more, sobbed until my breathing became irregular, and reflected on my stupid and selfish actions.
That's it! I got out of my bed and sat down on the stairs while crying my heart out. At the same time, I repeatedly said "Sorry daddy, sorry". My dad heard me and told me its alright just don't do it ever again. He kissed my left cheek and hugged me. Daddy told me to stop crying because he doesn't want to see me sad and that he doesn't want me to keep a grudge on him. He decided to just forget all of that and move on.I was still sobbing but I'm relieved to know that its resolved already. I'm so sorry daddy, and thank you for understanding the stupid me.
While I type all those words, I'm calling myself a big moron, an idiot, stupidest of all, and unreasonable. I let Anger took over and disregarded all of the love that was given to me beforehand. It was the root of all and so from now on, I will have more patience and control my anger for things not get out of hand.
...This is the reason why I blog...
